you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
