does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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