Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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