I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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