I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
