They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
