Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
