I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
