Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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