We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
