Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
