i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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