I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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