that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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