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My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
