I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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