last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
