Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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