Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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