I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
