I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
