idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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