Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
