this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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