Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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