in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
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