She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
