I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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