Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
