you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
