I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
