my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
