You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
