Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
