I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
