like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
