Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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