Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
