i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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