I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
