great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
