she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
