Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
His nipple licking is glorious
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