I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
