I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
