I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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