I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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