I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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