im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
