There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
