My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
