U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
