I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
